These words have burned inside me long enough. My resistance to writing them is a symptom of a problem held much longer than the words themselves, as always, out of fear of pain, of causing pain to another, but suffer alone I can bear no longer. She was my best friend. She still is although she does not know this. And I miss her
presence in my life so much that I still sit still and recreate her next to me, to talk to me, to share my confusion and doubt, and give, in her own inimitable way, the answers that my heart has been trying to scream above the din of my machining mind. My heart has proven a guide strong enough, but unwieldy and often
disappearing off on it’s own volition to what end I do not know, it doesn’t say when it gets back, it says simply “let’s go”.
I am not lost, but I seek some pathway forward as though in a jungle where I can navigate by the sun and stars but cannot find a path through the scrub. My machete to cut broad swathes to walk is gone and
the ground beneath my feet is mud. I can move, but the going is slow.
There are moments when in my doubt I lament that we ever hugged, that we ever stepped from the threshold of friendship into deep waters from which the land will never look quite the way it did. When I think of what she gave to me, a companion, a voice of unreason, a faith in
something greater than rationality. A reason to get out of bed, or more accurately off the floor of my living room
surrounded by plastic takeaways and coffee tins. A drive to chase my dreams, work at what I wanted, be who I wanted, live for me, live for her, hold on to some things, let go of others. And my mind goes into overdrive, “what if…” “what if…” “what if…?” And then my heart returns and says “let’s go”.
We walk in stillness for a while, waiting for the clouds to break. Then she speaks and says: you know this is futile and the answer is time. How can you lament what changed your life? That very stepping off that changed the landscape turned you inside out, turned intellectual concepts into experiential realities, reconnected you to
your soul and its source, changed the man you might not have been into the man you are and are becoming. This was necessary, and it seems necessary that I remind you
again. Your walk is once again solitary, but to this you are no stranger, and there is no danger you cannot overcome. Time heals all things, even you. You miss her,
and in a way, you will always miss her, there is a part of me that she holds, a part she will always hold, this is simply a part of what you became. The reverse holds true too, of course, and in that way she is always with you, and you will never be alone. I’m off again now, but she will stay and keep watch over you, so fear not, and step forwards, you will never be alone…