It’s not often I bother to write a small note to you, at least not like this, but this is something I kinda want the whole world to see. I realize I sort of could just text you or otherwise contact you, but somehow this just seems more…right.
I’m sitting here under my blankets, a single sheet over my head, and my thumbs are tapping away at the keypad of my phone because my computer is shut off. I’m like a little kid doing something he’s not supposed to while his parents sleep just across the hall.
Only I don’t have the same adrenaline-pounding excitement a clandestine wakefulness might provide a younger child–rather, I’m somewhat chilly and somber, lethargic and limp. But I’ll tell you what I’m thinking of most about right now as I listen to the music that you’ve given me over the past year: I miss you.
You’ve heard that from me quite a bit, I know. I’ve meant it each and every time.
Only I miss you now in a way that feels a bit different. Sometimes I’ve felt sad when I’ve missed you. Sometimes I’ve felt lonely. Sometimes I’ve felt scared for some other reason, and sometimes I’ve had no reason at all. But right now, it’s not really any of those. I guess I am a little sad, a little lonely, even a little scared. But that’s not it–I just want you here.
I’m thinking about the packs of your chest and the curve of your back; of the way we’d fit together side-by-side or face-to-face or back-to- back or you curled up into me; of your warm, slow breathing and gentle and regular heartbeat; of your hair around your shoulders and your
hands tucked up to your chest; of your legs curled ever so slightly but not drawn all the way up, fitting around and between mine; of my arm around your stomach, holding you, securing you, enveloping you. I think about soft kisses on softer cheeks and quiet rain pattering the window behind us. I think about time dripping by with no rush, staying up late just to absorb all of this even if you were fast asleep. I think about all of this and I miss you.
I think about you a lot. But I think about you incessantly as I fall asleep, as my eyes slowly shut and my mind wanders to all sorts of memories and visions and thoughts. And when I think about you, and know you’re not here, I miss you–because I want you to be here. I guess you won’t see this until morning, or perhaps even later. That’s okay darling.. I just want you to know I’m thinking of you and I miss you.
It’s a rather simple expression but it’s a very honest feeling. I miss you. I love you, but that goes without saying. But I never forget to say it, to tell you, because why wouldn’t I say something I mean? I love you, and I miss you. Maybe one of these days we’ll wake up together, but I know that’s sort of a vain hope. I won’t give up that desire though.
I hope your sleep is restful and peaceful. May dreams visit you and whisk you away to happy retreats and even happier thoughts. Maybe you’ll even dream of me–who knows. I know I’ve been dreaming about you quite a bit as of late. Maybe that’s because I miss you.
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